Fifty Shades Dimmer - A Dumpy Grace Rant

I read the other day that every single employee of Random House will receive a $5000 bonus this year due to the enormous success of the Fifty Shades trilogy. Apparently, this triple installment of drek has sold almost 65 million copies worldwide. Really?

Don't get me wrong. I am happy for the author, E.L. James. In this era of vanishing publishing houses and 99 cent online e-books, authors are often the last ones at the trough, despite the fact they write the damn words. More power to any artist who can earn enough to pay the rent and keep the lights on.

Nor am I against Erotica. Or fan fiction, for that matter. In fact, I have come across more than a few fan fiction authors that blow my socks off. Once or twice, even my old lady panties.

So when Ms. James decided to take her dreary Twilight fan fiction piece, change a few names and substitute Edward's thirst for blood with Grey's world weary taste for mild bondage, I had no problem. I'm not sure why Stephanie Meyer, the author of the Twilight series, has been quite so laisse faire, but as there have been no lawsuits to the best of my knowledge, I assume enough words were changed to pass the plagiarism litmus test.

What I'm not fine with, is the over the top, slathering public reaction (and let's face it, when I say public, I mean women) to this lifeless, puerile rip-off that took what might have been a spicy concept and watered it down to a lumpy, brown pile of humdrum slop.

 So tedious as to be almost painful (and not in a good way!), still women purchased the series in the tens of millions. What were you thinking, sisters?

I believe each and every one of you needs a good (verbal) spanking.
 
For the under thirty crowd, please don't forget that you cut your literary teeth on the forever magical Harry Potter series. The first book of The Hunger Games trilogy was pretty good and even the monosyllabic Twilight series was okay if you are a fan of girls getting off on guys watching them while they sleep.

Even better, if you were lucky enough to have experienced The Hobbit or the Lord of the Rings you know that savouring fine writing is like having rich chocolate melt on your tongue. Compared to that flipping through the pages of Fifty Shades is like sucking on a stale Cheeto. 

And for all you ladies over thirty?  If you checked out the book because you were eager to try something new in the bedroom, I'm sorry to say that you were duped. Erotica has been around since humans first started scratching pictures on cave walls, and as we became more adept with language, our ability to inflame each other with words improved exponentially. These days there is plethora of brilliant Erotica out there for you to sample. I'm just saying...if you need a little jump start, why settle for a minivan when you could drive a Ferrari?

When it comes right down to it, I don't think the popularity of Fifty Shades has anything to do with women wanting to spice up their sex lives. I believe the real reason Random House staff are $5000 richer this year is a direct result of our culture's slavish devotion to the gravitas of celebrity.

A few years ago, it was the thrill of watching desperate people eat wriggling worms on TV. After that, it was the glee we felt at some poor chump being voted off the island. Then came Teen Moms, Toddlers in Tiaras and one of 2012's most memorable people (according to Barbara Walters) the truly bizarre Honey Boo Boo.

Going viral is not necessarily a good thing. Remember the1918  Flu epidemic? As your mother used to say, "Just because your friends jumped off a bridge doesn't mean you have to jump, as well."

I LOVE that you are buying books. Keep it up! But, please...choose books that stretch your limits, read stories that touch you in places that hurt if that is what you enjoy, but most importantly, support those skilled writers who grab you by the throat and set your imagination on fire.

You just might find yourself shining fifty shades brighter.