MOB shopping with The Princess Bride

A few years ago, a friend of mine was worried about not being able to find the perfect mother of the bride dress.  I pooed-pooed her concerns. She is a pixie little thing. She looks great in everything.

Flash forward a few years. It is now my turn to hit the shops for the dreaded MOB dress, and I think I finally understand my friend's concerns. It isn't so much that you want to look perfect, you just don't want to ruin your beautiful daughter's bridal photos.

I despise shopping at the best of times, so I was not looking forward to spending a day at Bridal shops with The Princess Bride.

She had already nixed a pretty dress that I'd found at a consignment store earlier in the week.

According to The Princess Bride, this dress should be called: The Velveteen Rabbit plays the Mandolin at the Tudor Court.

Her words - exactly.

 












Fine. My taste in dresses could be suspect. I buy a new dress about once every twenty years. Perhaps, I am out of date.

Off to the bridal shops we went, full of high hopes.

Have you seen the dresses for mothers in these places? After trying on dress after dress, the only thing I could think of was Carole Burnett wearing those curtains in her Scarlet O'Hara spoof. If the dress doesn't make you look a hundred years old, it really does look like it has been constructed from heavy taffeta curtains.

I can't begin to describe how thrilling it is to try on dress after dress that make you look like an art deco nightmare.


All while The Princess Bride chuckles it up.


.....hilarious.....


(p.s. this lovely creation was priced at $600)







We said adios to the bridal shops, and headed off to Yorkdale to hit some of the trendier women's shops.

And there we found 'The Dress' according to the bride. She LOVED it.

Me? Not so much.

I could not sit down in it...at all. (It's only one night, Mom...you don''t have to sit down)

Not only was the skirt part too tight (I think it was constructed of Spanx material) but the heavy bodice had no give. Every time I tried to sit down, the bodice rode up, coming to rest somewhere between my nose and my eyes.

What do you think?


(p.s. those aren't my boobs - the womanly flesh that usually settles south of my waist apparently had to find somewhere to go once I squeezed into the tight skirt)














Needless to say, I put my foot down.... gently. My feet were killing me. I'd brought a pair of high heels in order to get a sense of what the dresses would look like with the proper shoes, and nearing the end of the day I could barely walk.

Off we went to the more sedate, Laura.

And, with time running out, we SETTLED on the right dress.

It's black. That's good right? Covers a multitude of problem areas.

It fits, sort of.

The bodice is kind of okay, I guess.

I can wear my hair up. That will be nice. I've always wanted to wear a black bow in my hair.

The Princess Bride said she liked it.









When I got home and modeled the new, and moderately expensive gown, The Father of the Bride exclaimed, "Why aren't you going to wear the first one you bought. I LOVE that one. You look gorgeous in that one."

"Don't I look good in this one?" I ask

He smiles, weakly then says, "It's very nice."

Very nice....

Super. 

Never Give Up

Never give up, because that it just the place and time that the tide will turn. Harriet Beacher Stowe.

Turns out Harriet was a smart woman.

As you may recall from my last post I was having a bit of a panic attack having decided that my second book was a disaster and that I might need to start from scratch. In my post I outlined the steps I took to ward off that panic and come at the problem from a more rational and effective position. http://dumpygrace.blogspot.ca/2013/10/do-not-panic.html

I mentioned that things were improving but I thought you might like to know how I fared.

I am thrilled to report that my efforts paid off. It took a good forty eight hours or so of focussed analysis to determine what was wrong and how to fix it. I had a few false starts but have settled on the fix that works.

1) Knowing that my villains were not in the least bit menacing, I did a complete 180 and decided to go with a more classic scenario. Very bad guy and his victimized wife. So far, so good. Both of them are much easier to bring to life and the story crackles because of it.

2) I was spending too much time on secondary characters and not enough with my protagonist, Signy Shepherd. Once I recognized that fact, it was a very easy fix.

And that's about it. Weird, huh? All that angst, and it came down to a couple of relatively easy solutions.

I'm now half way through my rough plot revisions and I THINK the story is moving along smoothly and the characters are popping from the page. I will have to write a couple of more action scenes and delete a couple of extraneous character driven scenes but all that is very doable.

Lesson Learned Harriet! The tide has turned and with any luck, it will be smooth sailing from now on.

                        CHEERS!

Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/never_give_up.html#W46OWMIpcaESUB6Z.99

DO NOT PANIC!

As I mentioned in my last post, I was excited to begin the second draft of my second novel. I found myself a comfy spot, and cleared the decks for a couple of days of reading. I'd never read the entire thing in one go
and had no idea how it all worked as a whole.

                DO















Within a few hours I knew that the great plot device I thought would work so well had failed miserably.
The villains were boring and the story line was choppy and uninteresting.

                           
                 NOT













I spent a day in abject panic, unable to think. The pressure was intense. This book has been SOLD and is supposed to be good. How could I fix such an monumental disaster in time for the due date only four months away?

               PANIC!!!!











I am happy to report that I have found a way to tweak the villains and will not have to start from scratch as I originally feared. Indeed, I am quite pleased with the way they are turning out, and the story is much richer as a result. The new scenes that I must write are flying from my fingertips which usually means something good is happening.

Here are a few things I did to stave off panic and get back on track:

1. Do Not Panic. Realizing that panic would get me nowhere, I decided to take a breath and think rationally. Whatever happened it would not be the end of the world. Indeed, it might even be fun to meet this challenge head on and overcome it.
2. Breathe
3. Walk. I took several walks and allowed my mind to settle. Eventually, ideas began to flow again.
4. Dream. Every once in awhile if I have a problem, I will let my unconscious mind take over the problem and if I'm lucky, I'll wake in the morning with an innovative answer. That worked this time.
5. Friends. This is a huge one! Thanks to my wonderful writing friend, Phyllis Diller Stewart and my number one reader. Both offered words of support and tons of great ideas!
6. Don't be afraid to admit a mistake. There is no embarrassment in screwing up. I am a relatively new writer. This is only my second book. This kind of thing is bound to happen and it is how I respond to my mistakes that will make the difference. I choose to learn from my errors and improve because of them.
7. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. I think this point is particularly important, especially for a storyteller. As writers we are incapable of seeing things in a bland and boring way - if something happens, it happens big!  In my case - the villains didn't work and I built that into a massive problem that ruined everything about the book. But, that was a gross exaggeration. Set aside the urge to tell yourself dramatic stories and try to see the situation for what it is -  a problem that can be fixed..
8. Apply Bum Glue. There is only one way to fix the problem and that is to SIT DOWN and fix it. No distractions. 
9. Read something similar. This was very helpful. I picked up a novel by Thomas Perry. He writes a thriller series with Jane Whitefield as the main character, a woman who helps people disappear. I wanted to find out what about his plotting, etc made his story work. I was relieved and surprised to find that in actual fact his writing wasn't all that better than mine. His characters are pretty one dimensional, the villains are cartoonish, the dialogue has a LOT of 'let me tell you this bob' and there are plot holes wide enough to drive a truck through. And still...I kind of like Jane. This exercise gave me hope.
10. Remember that this is supposed to be fun.  As soon as the words began to flow again, and I realized that the story was back on track, the relief was thrilling. And the writing was fun again. 

                                                                        PHEW!

How I Peed on my Theme

I'll bet you'd never guess that a discussion on theme would begin in the bathroom, but that is exactly what happened.

I had just finished taking sheets down from the line and thought the time was right to pay a visit to the bathroom. I was sitting there minding my own business when I caught a flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye at exactly the same instant that I felt something...weird....on the inside of my knee.

I looked down.

And, shot off the toilet and into the living room, trailing toilet paper and screams behind me like party streamers.

An insect about the size and girth of a baby carrot was crawling up my inner thigh. Unfortunately, the foul creature, a pine beetle of some kind judging by its enormous mandibles and waving antennae, did not sport the cheerful orange hue of a baby carrot - instead it was a dull grey, splattered here and there with a moldy white crust that was probably a pathogenic fungus, no doubt deadly to humans.

Not worried about modesty at that moment and desperate to get the freakish baby carrot off of me, I raced outside, pants down around my knees and picked up the monster (surprisingly hefty inside my palm...shudder) and tossed it off the porch. As I hiked up my clothes, I watched it crawl away, seemingly unconcerned about its abrupt change of venue.

All of which got me thinking about FEAR.

And fear got me thinking about the theme of my second novel.

Every one of the major characters in my second novel has a desperate Fear of Being Rejected.

As I start the huge task of paring down the first draft into a taught thrill ride, I know it is essential that I keep this theme front and centre in my mind.

Every character is terrified of being left behind, turned down, laughed at, humiliated. Each of them reacts to this fear in a very different way, and it sets them each on a course of action that makes their situation so much worse.

I think I've captured those essentials in the first draft, but in the second draft I have to make sure that I've SHOWN it.

For example. Grace has PTSD and her resultant fear of being rejected  is driving her into a downward spiral. My challenge is to show her symptoms, her emotional and behavioural responses, and the reactions of others, without ever saying PTSD out loud. Not to mention, that it all must be shown in a way that adds to the thrill factor of the story. This isn't a high brow literary tale, after all, but an intense three day nightmare that Grace may not survive.

Okay - no problem. Seems doable.

Oh ya, but did I mention that this same filter must be applied to each and every character, and every aspect of the plot?

FEAR. FEAR. FEAR.

Am I showing how each character reacts when their fear of being rejected is pushed to the limit? Does their response make their life terribly worse in a heart stopping fashion? Does their attempt to rectify the situation make things even more dire? And, how in God's name will they pull their bacon out of the fire at the last second? Or, will they?

FEAR of Rejection.

There is no way to avoid the THEME.  It clings to your tender flesh. A big black baby carrot, hairy and gross, spindly legs tipped with velcro claws that won't let go. And as much as you wish you could ignore it, and just let the story go where it will - you cannot.

You must gird your loins, crack open that mold-infested exoskeleton and reveal the juicy theme that pulses inside. Then scoop up that bloody gore and smear it liberally throughout your story.

One image too many, methinks?

Not to worry, I'll address that in the second draft.

ANYWAY - In my favour - MY fear of the second book being rejected will likely help as I plow my way through the second draft. I will have no problem showing the sweaty-palmed, compulsive terror-induced eating, heart thumping, vomity taste in the back of the throat that comes with a fear of rejection.



yay...lucky me. Here's hoping the whole thing doesn't end up in the crapper. 

Ten Strategies for Finishing your Novel: The Big Picture

Writing a novel is a ton of hard work. It took me one year to finish the first draft of my first novel and then another four or five months before it was ready to send off to agents. The question people most often ask me is, "How on earth did you stick with it all that time?"

Having now completed my second novel (both of which have been picked up by Simon and Schuster) I thought it might be a good time to reflect on the ten most important things that kept me going through this long and solitary process.

Over the next several blog posts, I'm going to list my top ten strategies for sticking to the task of writing a novel.

In this post, I'll focus on the bigger picture.

1) DE-STRESS YOUR LIFE

Okay! I hear you laughing.  I admit this might be downright unrealistic, but hear me out.

I'll be upfront with you. For me, the years of raising three children while commuting two hours/day to and from my full time job put a damper on my ability to give any serious attention to writing, or any other creative pursuit for that matter. I know there are people out there who can do it all, but I was not one of them. By the end of the day I was exhausted and didn't have two functioning brain cells to rub together.

I had to wait until my children were launched, before I had the requisite time and emotional space to consider writing in a serious way.

Even then, I had to make the choice. I could have continued to work full time, but with my long commute I would still be exhausted. And, what for? We go the extra mile so that we can have all the fun extras we are conditioned to believe we need - backyard swimming pools, the latest gadget from Apple, a granite counter top. I had to decide whether I was willing to give up the security of full time employment and all the goodies it would bring in order to devote myself to writing.

There is no doubt that the reduction of income was a sacrifice, but by jumping off the rat wheel, not only did I get to pursue my dream of writing, but somehow, magically, the stress in my life began to fall away. I may not have as much stuff, but I have a much greater quality of life. I'm happy with that. 


You might want to examine your priorities, and if there is something in your life that is causing you unnecessary stress, and, IF you have the ability to get rid of it, why not give it a go?



2) FIND A COMFORTABLE WRITING SPACE

Stephen King may have been able to write in the closet at the end of the hall, while the kids were shrieking and the washing machine was thumping right beside his tiny card table desk - but not me.

I need a special kind of space in order to unleash my imagination and allow the words to flow.

Fulfilling a life-long dream, we found a perfect little cabin in the woods. Less than 900 square feet, it requires little maintenance, so I don't waste a lot of my day cleaning. Most importantly, there are plenty of sunny spots to sit and write. Whether I am hanging out on my comfy couch, or sitting on the porch gazing up at the cloudless sky, our little slice of heaven  is my perfect space.

Everyone is different. You might work best sipping espresso at a crowded cafe, in an out of the way carrel at the library, or locked away in a windowless room. Wherever your creative juices flow,  find that space and make it your own. 





3) MAINTAIN A DAILY ROUTINE

Check out how successful authors work. You'll find that many of them treat their writing like a job. Just as the stock broker gets on the train every morning at 7am, or the nurse heads off to her shift at the hospital, the writer must go to work every day.

But, working from home presents many unique problems. You don't have a bus to catch, a clock to punch, or a boss breathing down your neck. Writers are accountable only to themselves.

And, we all know that the tiny devil sitting on your left shoulder can get really noisy when there's something better to do - which feels like almost all of the time. Sunny day, great show on TV, a new recipe to try, a book you're dying to read...well, you get it. The list of distractions can be endless.

The first, and best way to fight those temptations is to set yourself a daily schedule. I start writing as soon as I've walked the dog and eaten breakfast, and I don't quit until I've reached a natural ending - usually sometime late in the afternoon. I try to write five pages per day - sometimes, I do less, sometimes, more - but I always try to keep moving forward no matter how much I'd rather be doing something else.

It is as simple as that. Set a daily schedule and stick to it, no matter what.


Next time, I'll dig a little deeper and explore some of the more specific strategies I used to get my novel finished.

The Finish Line

Phew!

After close to 8 months of steady writing, I have put the finishing touches on Draft One of my second novel.

It's funny. That momentous statement, which should be loaded with celebratory delight, instead feels a bit anti-climactic. I'm not sure why that is, especially given that Simon and Schuster has purchased the publishing rights and both books will soon be coming to a book store near you.

I guess for me,The Finish Line isn't where the thrills are found. I find the true delight  in the process of the thing, whether it's taking a course, teaching a class, or planning a new venture. It isn't the final product that turns my crank, but the joy I found in getting there.

Especially when I'm writing. I love puzzling out of a difficult plot problem, or hunting for just the right word, or coming up with dialogue that sounds exactly like what the character would really say if they were sitting across the table, sipping a coke. Typing -30- on the last page just doesn't hold the same appeal.

Weird, huh?

 Still - I am getting ahead of myself. I've only finished the first draft.  I will now take a couple of weeks off, and enjoy (FINALLY) some reading for pleasure. Have I mentioned how difficult it is to pick up a book in the evening when your eyes are sore and tired from staring at the computer all day?

I'm hoping that those two weeks will allow the  words of Dark Territory (yup, that's the title of the 2nd book) to settle. After that, I'll return with fresh eyes and get cracking on adding the colour and technical nuance that I neglected in favour of getting the plot just right.

The final draft of Dark Territory is due at the publisher by Feb. 14, 2014, which at first glance seems like a long way away, but, I also have to have the final draft of Blown Red to them by Oct. 2013. Apparently, they have a few minor changes still left for me to address.

Two books in the next 6 months, and then the added horror of the publicity stuff. Oh ya - there is going to be publicity stuff! Starting with a meeting in September during which I will meet 'my team' at S and S, and enjoy a celebratory lunch. This is all great stuff, but a little daunting for a natural introvert, and blushing fool.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking I should do something to celebrate the completion of Dark Territory. Even if it doesn't feel all that exciting. I'm thinking chocolate....

It's Amazing What a Little Bum Glue Can Do!

It's official!  Bum glue works!

In my most recent post, I lamented the lack of colour in my writing. Characters weren't talking to me, the scenery was drab, nothing sparkled.

I thought perhaps I needed to return to my writing gurus for inspiration - and that certainly is a good thing.

But - I held off, thinking that perhaps, my desire to poke my nose back into 'How To' books might just be another stalling tactic.

As an experiment, I decided to just stick it out, continue on with the bad writing, just let the crappy stuff flow and see what happened.

The results are in, and they are very interesting indeed.

It seems there is a direct relationship between the number of words one manages to choke onto the page (crappy, or not) and how good those words eventually begin to feel.

Over the course of the past few weeks of applying massive amounts of bum glue to my...well...bum...my writing has once again come to life.

Signy's voice has returned, as sharp and prickly as ever, as has those of the other main characters. The settings are bright and clear, the plot is taking on some unexpected twists and turns.

Conclusion?

When you begin to have self-doubts...

When you fear that even if you used a dagger as a quill, you couldn't write your way out of a paper bag...

When you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are scribbling drek that no one will ever read...

When you begin to contemplate a 9 to 5 office job?

Then it the time to apply a liberal slather of bum glue.

STICK TO IT...

Your next sentence just might be a masterpiece.

Where's the Colour?

Remember that old commercial? The one where the old lady opens her chain restaurant hamburger and asks in a gravelly voice, "Where's the beef?"

That's how I've been feeling lately, but instead of the beef I've been missing the colour.

I've been working on some new scenes for the second book. I had put the manuscript aside for awhile as I pondered some plot problems but I'm back on track now, comfortable enough with my new direction to have resumed churning out words to fill the empty spaces.

No. My problem now is a lack of COLOUR.

You know what I mean?

Characters that lie limp on the page like black and white stick people. Even my main cast seem lackluster. Signy is humdrum, Grace can't think of a thing to say and the complexTracker is about as dry as dry can be. He might as well be reading from the phone book.

And the extras? Those important little characters that fly in and out of scenes, not only as plot devices but also to add that hint of spice a scene sometimes requires? Even those guys and gals are leaving me cold.

My beats are repetitive and predictable - As a matter of fact, if you catch me writing, 'He scrubbed a hand over his balding pate'  or 'Barely suppressing a giggle' one more time, please shoot me.

And the settings? Humpf. That's where I'm really falling flat. Oh sure, I stick in the sights and the sounds and the smells and tastes but what churns out is like a reproduction of a bad reproduction. When I go back and try to fix what I've done, I only seem to make things worse. Kind of like that sad little painting of Jesus that elderly Italian woman tried to fix then and turned into a dreadful cartoon.

Okay. Enough complaining. Obviously, something is missing. It might have something to do with the phrase I used earlier in this post  - the bit where I said I was 'churning out words to fill the empty spaces'.

Sure, I'm in the process of pumping out words and sometimes, that is not a bad thing. Sometimes, it is just as important to keep the wheels greased, the story moving forward, the word count satisfied. I understand that.

But, I think there comes a time, when churning out words, while satisfying one's bum glue requirements, no longer feels good - especially when the product is so bland.

So, back to the basics I go. Yup - Time to revisit those two classic "How To" books that work for me.

Stephen King's "On Writing" and Elizabeth George's "Write Away."

Here's hoping that these tried and true writers will once again show me the way to that world of colour I have been so missing.

Help me remember how to turn this....












Into this....

A Dumpy Deadline

The last few months have been distracting to say the least. In response, I set aside my goal of writing 5 pages per day and instead indulged in an orgy of procrastination. Stuff like:

• Resuming my love affair with; cake, cookies, chai tea latte, bread, cheese, chocolate, fish and chips...etc.
• Shopping for stupid stuff
• Moving stuff around the house and then moving it back again
• Checking out houses on MLS
• Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest (not so much with the pinterest - its kinda boring)
• Perfecting the art of scanning several news sites all at once - not really READING anything
• Watching too much New Girl (I'm a sucker for nerd romance...sigh....)
• Bemoaning the chilly weather
• Avoiding pretty much everything difficult

 And, now? 

The party is OVER!!!!!!! Finito binito.

Time to get cracking....apply glue to bum.....engage brain......

Time to ask Signy Shepherd and Grace and Alex but most especially Dr. Solomon Smiles and his lovely wife, Lisa, to start talking to me again.

I did it before, I can do it again. I just need to start with 500 little words....

And there is no better way for me to sit my butt back down in my writer's chair that to give myself a...Dead...(gasp)...Line.

Deadlines have a distinctive sound to them, kind of like the roar of a waterfall just around the next bend. Nothing serves to sharpen the wits more than the drone of impending doom.

And so, on speaking with my agent last week, I assured her that I would have the first draft of my second novel (working title: Dark Territory) complete by the end of August, 2013.

August, 2013.

I might as well have painted a giant red target on my butt. Come one, come all...see that girl who can't write make a fool of herself. Ha...ha.

Hold on Dumpy....This is not the time to go all wimpy and negative. Beside, wallowing in self-pity and fear is really nothing more than another procrastination tool.

But, August, 2013...?

Three months and two weeks... (deep breath)...  I can do that.

 Sure, I can.

Come ON, Dumpy Grace!!


What nugget of wisdom has kept you going through thick and thin?


What deep philosophical truism has never failed you? What brilliant insight has dragged you through even the most trying times?

That's right, Dumpy Grace. You know it in your heart...


Captain Kirk would NEVER give up....

And neither will you, Dumpy Grace

NEITHER will you....

Live Long and Prosper....

Why I've Been Away....

Three Birds with One Stone

Number one reader and I went to Belleville and forked over sixty bucks to get a yearly library membership. As cool as our local library is, it is the size of a one room school house and stocks ONLY best selling commercial fiction. Kinda limiting when one is in the mood for something a little more cerebral.

So...anyway, after a quick perusal of the stands...fuggedabout cerebral, I ended up with the audio book of Outlander. Yes, I've read it before I admit - but Diana Gabaldon does a great job with description and has a knack for voices. I thought it might be useful to read (ie listen) to it again. Research for my own writing, see.

Besides, number one reader and I had a day trip planned and I took along my giant box of Outlander CD's to pass the time. It was fun and number one reader actually enjoyed the disappearance of Claire through the standing stones, her re-appearance two hundred years in the past, her adventures in Castle Leoch and even her forced marriage to Jamie Fraser.

But, he drew the line when Jamie and Claire's wedding night antics never seemed to end. "Ach, Sassenach," whispered Jamie, his breath warm upon my quivering cheek, "your wee fat bum is as tender as a fresh plum just asking to be pinched." My fingers traced the outline of his zygomatic arch, his eyes as deep and dark as Loch Ness on a winter's eve, his reddish gold mane as thick and proud as a lion's after a successful hunt.'  or something like that...

On and on and on and on it went and I could tell number one reader was reaching his limit. But it was the whispered "Shall I service thee again, Lass?" that tipped him over the edge. I turned it OFF before we crashed in the ditch.

But, later that night, as I stood all aquiver admiring his zygomatic arch (at least I think that was his zygomatic arch) he was ensconced in front of the computer muttering bitterly to himself. He was writing an email, a task that with his two fingered typing technique usually requires at least an hour of angry tapping. "Ach," I said, batting my eyes in an entrancing fashion, "would you say my bum is like a fresh peach?"

"Hmmmhmmm?" he said, not looking up.

And that is how I found myself killing two birds with one stone. It's funny how walking on the treadmill becomes a lot less boring with the indefatigable Jamie Fraser playing the golden red stag to Claire Beauchamp's coquettish doe over hill and dale, up one crag and down another, on the heather, in warm ponds, on chilly rock outcroppings, under flea riddled quilts, in front of 20 highland raiders, inside deserted crofts, under the wide Scottish sky.... fat bums flashing, muscular thighs pumping....

Weel, you get the idea.

 On second thought, it might be more accurate to say I killed three birds with one stone....

What Do You Like To Read?

One of the hazards of full time writing is the lack of time for reading!

In the old days it was nothing for me to read several books per week. By the time I was old enough to ride my bike to the library, I remember coming home every week with stacks of books tucked into the basket on my bike. Nothing was more satisfying than lying on my bed or out in the sun on the chaise lounge devouring story after story.

Dumpy Grace in real life - almost 50 years ago!

When I was a child I read anything and everything about animals. Two of my favourites were Vulpes, the Red Fox - the story of a red fox and Vixen, his mate which has probably the saddest ending in the history of children's literature, notwithstanding Old Yeller. Despite the thousands of books I've given away over the years, Vulpes still graces my grown up bookshelf. The other was Big Red, about an Irish Setter that lived on a farm. Another tear jerker for the ages.

When I was a preteen I loved Nancy Drew. The image of her speeding around town in her roadster, her titian hair blowing in the wind, her friend George by her side...ah...heaven.

In addition to library books, I would pour over everything my parents had in their library including a scientific Time/Life series with titles like: Mammals, Fish, The Earth, The Stars, etc. Fabulous! My mother also kept some 'steamy' books that I read, although didn't quite understand at the time. The Tropic of Cancer and The Valley of the Dolls spring to mind. Later I went searching for more, including Lady Chatterly's Lover and Fanny Hill, and anything by Anais Nin. Tsk! Tsk!  

In my mid-teens I went through a Russian period. I read Alexander Solzhenitsyn's The Cancer Ward, and Tolstoy's The Death of Ivan Ilyich, which for some reason, touched me deeply. After that I read every Russian author I could get my hands on including Dostoyevsky, Chekhov and  Pushkin.

In my late teens I admit to a fling with Ayn Rand. I read every book of hers, not really understanding her objectivism philosopy but clinging to the notion that as individuals we are responsible for our own happiness and success. It was a life lesson that has stuck with me.

I was a science major in university and never had a formal literature education. Wanting to educate myself I would visit the library or the Bookshelf Cafe in Guelph and would work through the Penguin Books. Remember the distinctive orange covers? At the time, I believed that anything published by Penguin was high art and therefore, necessary reading. I wasn't wrong.

Along the same vein my father purchased a set of Classic books from the Franklin library series and it was here that I was introduced to the ancients such as Homer, Ulysses, Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus, as well as amazing American writers such as John Steinbeck, William Styron and William Faulkner, among many others.

I fell in love with the short story genre, as well. Among my favourites, Margaret Laurence, Alice Monroe, science fiction writers such as Arthur C. Clarke. One of my all time favourites was Bronwen Wallace, who, sadly, died at a young age and never got the chance to write a second book.

And always - the popular fiction/science fiction and mystery/thriller/suspense series dominated. From John Le Carre and Len Deighton to Lawrence Block and James lee Burke. PD James and Thomas Perry, Stephen King, Patricia Cornwell, Umberto Eco, Sue Grafton, Graham Greene and Peter Hoag, to name just a very few.

The latest non-fiction I read was The Swerve - a brilliant exposition of how a 1400's era monk, by the name of Poggio Bracciolini discovered a copy of Lucretius's long lost, On the Nature of Things, and how this epic poem changed the world.  I can't wait to read more by Stephen Greenblat.

Currently, I am enjoying the Giles Blunt series, set in North Bay, Ontario. I love the nuanced protagonist, John Cardinal. The latest James Lee Burke is always a must read, mostly for his wonderful characters (Dave Robichaux and Clete Purcell) and his heart breaking descriptions. And I wait with bated breath for the latest in the Keller series by Laurence Block. Best psychopath ever.

But, I digress. The point I was trying to make is that I miss reading for pleasure. After a long day hunched over the computer, the first thing I want to do is get up and move. The thought of sitting down, or lying in bed, or out in the sun on my chaise lounge for that matter, just doesn't appeal. I want to read, but don't want to SIT!

I need to find a solution. I like audio books but the closest library that stocks audio books is an hour away. I do have a treadmill but I can't read while walking unlike my friend Kathy, who reads while jogging! How the heck does she do that without going blind?

Anyway - this week I am setting aside all writing obligations and giving myself permission to simply read. I scored a couple of free books while visiting Simon and Schuster. I've already been through The Demonologist, a good read by Andrew Pyper, and am now ensconced in The Firebird, by Susanna Kearsley, which I'm loving! It seems to have been inspired by the Diana Gabaldon Outlander series, and I am not ashamed to say that I am an avid Jamie and Claire fan.

Ahhhh....heaven!






 

The New Outfit

I am meeting with Simon and Schuster this week. First ever meeting with a publisher. I felt giggly with excitement until I heard these dreaded words from my agent: "Don't get too nervous! All they really want to know is whether you are marketable. In other words, will you feel comfortable in a TV studio or reading in front of a crowd at Harbourfront?"

GACK!! 

No more fooling around! Off to the Ladies Shoppe I trudged, with glamorous daughter in tow. 



 Hmmmmm....???











After that it was time for a makeover with the beauty ladies at Sephora.





I don't know about all this...


I'm afraid I'm either going to trip over the high-heeled boots or keel over from the weight of the paint on my face. 

This all just seems more nerve-wracking than it ought to be....

 

Success!!

The unthinkable has happened! I got an email from my agent today who informed me that there are currently two publishing houses expressing keen interest in my book. One is from the US and the other is from Canada.

I will be meeting with the Canadian house next week, although Anne said that we are just going to attend in order to 'hear what they have to say' and that we will not be making any commitments right away.

The manuscript only went out a couple of weeks ago, and I think that if there is this much interest so quickly, it will probably be worth waiting a bit to see if any further interest materializes before making a final decision. That is the impression I am getting from Anne.

Still, no matter what happens from this point on, I am overjoyed that a real live, honest to goodness, print publisher wants to meet with me!! I didn't really think it would happen.

I'm freakin' out!!!

If you think you sound great in the shower you probably suck at writing!

You know the way you sound like an angel when you sing in the shower? Every note, every nuance comes out perfectly in a brilliant wall of sound?

You know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if anyone was home to hear you they'd fall to their knees in awe at your talent?

 If you had access to sound equipment you'd probably have it rigged up in the bathroom, poised to record every amazing performance. Maybe you'd even send it off to studio or a radio station. In fact, with pipes like yours you're pretty sure it is only a matter of time until you are discovered. The only question is will you be the next Elvis, John Lennon, or Pavarotti?

Unfortunately, it doesn't take long before you come to know the sad reality. Unless you really are Adele or Michael Buble or Measha Brueggergosman , you probably sound like a dying cat when you really let loose. Most of us learn that lesson early...and hard. 

Unfortunately, for the pathetic few, the dream lingers on.  Despite all the evidence to the contrary we live with a tiny fragment of hope that the beautiful noise we hear inside our heads is exactly what everyone else is listening to.

It's the same thing with writing. I just finished a short story that I thought was interesting and insightful. It was supposed to be an homage to Arthur C. Clarke. I started with a great idea, but the more I wrote, the more off-track I got and the farther the story strayed from my original premise. No worries, I thought to myself - it still sounds great. A little spit here and a little polish there and it will fit right in with 'Time's Arrow' or 'The Star'.

It was as though I was trying to pull off the impossibly high note in the aria, Queen of the Night, from Mozart's The Magic Flute, and for one fantastical moment, I thought I sounded like a nightingale.

Sadly, I was wrong. My story stunk. No matter how much soap I took to it, no matter how hard I tried to scrub it into some semblance of Arthur C. Clark-ian brilliance, my story still sucked. Like a bad imitation of 'Rolling in the Deep', the only suitable ending for my disastrous attempt was a quick and unmemorable trip down the drain.

Dream on, baby. Short story writing is way harder than it looks.

Fifty Shades Dimmer - A Dumpy Grace Rant

I read the other day that every single employee of Random House will receive a $5000 bonus this year due to the enormous success of the Fifty Shades trilogy. Apparently, this triple installment of drek has sold almost 65 million copies worldwide. Really?

Don't get me wrong. I am happy for the author, E.L. James. In this era of vanishing publishing houses and 99 cent online e-books, authors are often the last ones at the trough, despite the fact they write the damn words. More power to any artist who can earn enough to pay the rent and keep the lights on.

Nor am I against Erotica. Or fan fiction, for that matter. In fact, I have come across more than a few fan fiction authors that blow my socks off. Once or twice, even my old lady panties.

So when Ms. James decided to take her dreary Twilight fan fiction piece, change a few names and substitute Edward's thirst for blood with Grey's world weary taste for mild bondage, I had no problem. I'm not sure why Stephanie Meyer, the author of the Twilight series, has been quite so laisse faire, but as there have been no lawsuits to the best of my knowledge, I assume enough words were changed to pass the plagiarism litmus test.

What I'm not fine with, is the over the top, slathering public reaction (and let's face it, when I say public, I mean women) to this lifeless, puerile rip-off that took what might have been a spicy concept and watered it down to a lumpy, brown pile of humdrum slop.

 So tedious as to be almost painful (and not in a good way!), still women purchased the series in the tens of millions. What were you thinking, sisters?

I believe each and every one of you needs a good (verbal) spanking.
 
For the under thirty crowd, please don't forget that you cut your literary teeth on the forever magical Harry Potter series. The first book of The Hunger Games trilogy was pretty good and even the monosyllabic Twilight series was okay if you are a fan of girls getting off on guys watching them while they sleep.

Even better, if you were lucky enough to have experienced The Hobbit or the Lord of the Rings you know that savouring fine writing is like having rich chocolate melt on your tongue. Compared to that flipping through the pages of Fifty Shades is like sucking on a stale Cheeto. 

And for all you ladies over thirty?  If you checked out the book because you were eager to try something new in the bedroom, I'm sorry to say that you were duped. Erotica has been around since humans first started scratching pictures on cave walls, and as we became more adept with language, our ability to inflame each other with words improved exponentially. These days there is plethora of brilliant Erotica out there for you to sample. I'm just saying...if you need a little jump start, why settle for a minivan when you could drive a Ferrari?

When it comes right down to it, I don't think the popularity of Fifty Shades has anything to do with women wanting to spice up their sex lives. I believe the real reason Random House staff are $5000 richer this year is a direct result of our culture's slavish devotion to the gravitas of celebrity.

A few years ago, it was the thrill of watching desperate people eat wriggling worms on TV. After that, it was the glee we felt at some poor chump being voted off the island. Then came Teen Moms, Toddlers in Tiaras and one of 2012's most memorable people (according to Barbara Walters) the truly bizarre Honey Boo Boo.

Going viral is not necessarily a good thing. Remember the1918  Flu epidemic? As your mother used to say, "Just because your friends jumped off a bridge doesn't mean you have to jump, as well."

I LOVE that you are buying books. Keep it up! But, please...choose books that stretch your limits, read stories that touch you in places that hurt if that is what you enjoy, but most importantly, support those skilled writers who grab you by the throat and set your imagination on fire.

You just might find yourself shining fifty shades brighter.

Down to the Wire

I received an email from my agent last week. She declared Blown Red the most exciting project she's worked on in some time and says she is energized to be kicking off 2013 by devoting her full attention to it.

I've been reflecting on what it all means. For me, the fun part is over and the stressful part is about to begin. Let's just say (and I still think it is a bit of a long shot) that it actually sells. Then what? I'm anticipating nerve-wracking meetings with literary editors and more long hours of re-writing and polishing. Then comes the horror of promoting the book. Anne M. casually asked me how much I'd be able to reveal about my own experience with the underground railroad in magazine articles and on the radio. Good God!

And from what I've read, it seems that most successful authors must devote themselves to establishing and maintaining a witty and erudite online presence. Oh man...I'm doomed.

But I may be getting ahead of myself. I'm expecting that I should know by the end of January whether the book is going to sell quickly to one of the big publishers or whether it is going to take a lot longer.. Anne said she would be 'furious' if one of the Big Three didn't jump at it, but then again, drivel like Fifty Shades of Grey is far more popular these days than another kick-ass girl.

Meanwhile, I thought it would be interesting to chronicle just how many hoops I have jumped through to get this far, and how long it has taken:

• January, 2010 to December, 2010. While taking "A Novel Approach' with James Dewar and Sue Reynolds I completed a first draft of over 700 pages. I took a 4 month sabbatical from work during this period which helped a lot, both in terms of creativity and in the sheer number of hours I could devote to writing.
• Another 6 months to pare that behemoth down to a more reasonable 500 page, second draft. Still, way too long, but getting there. At this point, I gave the manuscript to several cold readers and using their excellent feedback I crafted a third draft..
•  My sister, Lesslie, asked her business acquaintance, Don Oravec, the Executive Director of the Writer's Trust if he would mind reading the manuscript. Nice man that he is, he agreed immediately. Don read it during his Florida vacation in September of 2011 and within a week sent an email in which he heaped unbelievable praise on the manuscript. He suggested we get together, and it was during that meeting that he called me a 'real writer' and  recommended me to Anne McDermid. He was kind enough to tell me that it was the first time in 8 years of reading manuscripts of friends and families that he had ever recommended an author to an agent. Wow! I was bowled over.
• Throughout the Fall of 2011 I heard nothing from Anne and eventually sent out query letters to several literary agents in Canada and USA. In the end I had five agents ask to see the entire manuscript and an offer of representation from one of them.
• Just before Christmas of 2011 an apologetic Anne McDermid told me she'd forgotten to follow up with me and asked me to re-send the manuscript. Within days I got her enthusiastic response. She asked to meet in the new year.
• In January of 2012, I met with Anne McDermid and during our two hour interview she made me an offer to join 'Team McDermid'. After a weekend of pretending to think about it - I jumped at this amazing opportunity.
• Anne wasn't sure if she would offer the book as is, or whether it would need further editing. Sure enough, after some initial inquiries, she determined that we would have more success if the book received a professional edit.
• Enter Becky Toyne, a well known editor and literary expert. She took several weeks to read the manuscript then got back to me with her suggestions in June, 2013. Nothing much...haha...all I had to do was tighten the plot by about 25,000 words and make the main character a heck of a lot stronger. Sure...no problem!
• For the next 4 months I toiled every single day, re-arranging the plot sequence, adding nuance, turning the main character into a determined young woman that readers would care about, and pared the word count down to an acceptable 104,000, or about 350 pages. 
• Deep breath and back it went to Anne McDermid by the end of September, 2012 for her verdict. Of course my timing stunk. It was now the Fall book launch season and she couldn't give it much attention until November. I put it out of my head but was thrilled when, by the end of November she wrote to tell me that she LOVED the changes I had made. Woohoo!! Success! She mused at that point whether it would be better to wait until the new year to put it out for offer, noting that publishers were sick to death of reading manuscripts, the holidays were coming up and it would stand a better chance when people came back after Christmas. 
• While I waited (again) she asked that I get her a synopsis of the second book, as she intends to sell it as a series and not a stand alone novel. She also asked for a little biographical blurb as well as a one page story on how I got the idea and my own personal experience of the Underground Railroad. I'd already done some work on the second book but took the time to really flesh out the plot over the ensuing weeks and I'm glad I did. It is going to be much easier to write once I get going in earnest.
• Finally, the email that arrived last week from Anne, saying that she is back to work on January 7 and can't wait to get cracking on this exciting new project.  

For this first time writer, this is what it has taken to get my novel to this stage. Amazing, isn't it? I never would have predicted that what began as a whim would evolve into a real live, honest to goodness thriller. Or, that it would take so much work, or that I would encounter so many helpful people along the way.  Most of all, I had no idea it would take so much TIME!

And now (drum roll, please)  it has all come down to this....

GOOD LUCK,

DUMPY GRACE!!